Wednesday, 23 January 2008
Monday, 21 January 2008
Let me explain a little about what our children are being fed as entertainment on the TV. The Wonder Pets are three small animals superimposed onto a cartoon background; a duckling, a terrapin and a hamster. They live in cages at a school and when a call comes in to their special phone (a can on a bit of string) they don special capes and become the Wonder Pets.
They make a flying boat thing from meccano they have secreted around the classroom and then head out on their mission to rescue pets from disaster like; the Kitten (who was smaller than the hamster) who was floating away on a bit of driftwood in Venice to the Yak, Pig and Singing Bear who were drifting away in a hot air balloon. The Wonder Pets always manage to save the day with a rhyme, a song and especially team work!
If you think I have a vivid imagination please watch the Wonder Pets!
Wonder Pets Opening
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Saturday, 19 January 2008
Thursday, 17 January 2008
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
Sunday, 13 January 2008
This is a letter from you in 31 years time.
I took a while before making up my mind what I was going to write because I don't want to influence your future choices too much. Not that I wouldn't like to tell you what to do and which direction to take but would you listen and if you did would it improve your lot? I don't know so I've decided just to tell you a few things that might help you a little but not drastically change your future path!
- The woman in the black raincoat and red scarf is a store detective.
- Stay away from Beta max.
- Don't try and understand women. All you need to know is men are from Mars, women are from Venus; think any deeper and you'll end up with your head up Uranus.
- Johnny Mathis is gay (gay is the word we use now for poof).
- However many times you use that pump it's not going to get any bigger!
- When someone suggests you break into a local tourist attraction don't, it's a lot of hassle and there is no money!
- Don't go and see 'Rosie Dixon night-nurse' until you are 18. The movie is crap and the court case is embarrassing.
- Under your pillow is not a good place for 'that' handkerchief.
- Long hair is not a good look and the pictures get hauled out often.
- Magic mushrooms are much better dried and not swallowed like oysters.
- When you are laying on the floor in a fight make sure you cover your face with your arms because a kick in the mouth smarts!
- Being sick on women doesn't get you laid!
- Nylon underpants are not good for you however funny the picture and caption on the front of them is.
- Bleach wont wash out.
I'm sure there are loads more but there are few to be getting on with. If I think of more and I get a chance I'll drop you another line. I'd say be good and be careful but I know I'd be wasting my time!
PS; When the ball goes on the roof don't climb up the drainpipe as it will come away from the wall and your arm will break in two places!
Thursday, 10 January 2008
- I suffer from Ladifabriphobia, a rare and often debilitating illness which makes me afraid of women who are wearing any clothing. I have undergone years of treatment for my phobia and after most of my life being housebound I travelled to Honolulu and met Dr Zemunztayne an expert in his field. He taught me how to visualise women completely naked and therefore free of all clothes . Since that day I've rebuilt my life and look forward to every new day!
- I begin each day by drinking a glass of my own urine. This is not for health reasons, I know some people do use this as an excuse but I could find no medical rationale to back this up. Also it's not for the taste as it tastes disgusting especially after a night on the beer and kebabs. The main reason is I get very thirsty and it's a hell of a lot cheaper than a coffee from Starbucks!
- I collect toenail clippings from celebrities. I started my collection in 1972 when I watched Olympic gymnast Olga Corbett break a nail in competition and picked it up as a souvenir. Since then my collection has grown immensely and have them displayed on hand made cabinets all over the house. I get them by writing to celebrities, their families and friends. Also I have bunged a couple of quid to hotel chambermaids and funeral directors to get some really special ones. My favourite is one from the Queen Mother that didn't look like it had been cut for a while and smelt a bit of Gin!
- In 1994 while living in Alaska I was arrested 36 times for Bear Baiting. When in court I was told baiting was not against the law but doing it naked was and the next time I was caught I'd go to jail. I served 6 months!
- I'm allergic to alcohol. I find if I drink large amounts I feel dizzy, slur my words and often fall over. The next morning I often have a headache and throw up in a bucket by my bed.
- In 1985 I dressed up as Ian Botham and walked from Lands End to John O'Groats for charity. He was going to do it but had other things to do so I stood in for him at the last minute!
- I am a compulsive liar! Now if I'm telling you I'm a compulsive liar that might be a lie in which case I'm not? You decide!
Monday, 7 January 2008
Friday, 4 January 2008
..... now can I? Thanks for the kind words from the people who asked me not to quit, that was very nice!